Been kind of thinking about stuff, and more stuff. (Yes, it's one of those posts.)

Always thought to a certain degree after growing up a little that "I can't really make any money doing this," yet I continued to draw, thinking I can one day make something out of myself. It got bad, I was beginning to think I'm a masochist at heart, to not care and only worry about what I'm going to do about problems and situations that appear in front of me, throwing my life in circles. Recently, kind of hit the notion and realized that my heart isn't in it anymore. Growing up, I liked reading comics, hungered for it really, it's what kept me drawing. Other people put me down almost everyday just because I enjoyed to draw and read, (It still happens, somewhat.) Despite that, I still had to keep drawing and liking what I liked, and if anything, their extreme negativity towards me was my fuel. It was an exciting medium, and getting involved in the process was something I've been wanting for a very long time. But, thinking about it today, asking "what else did I want to do with my life?" There was nothing I could think of. Extremely sad.

Nowadays, hardly read much of anything, can't bring myself to draw, end up hating anything I put down. It's kind of a sad situation I suppose. Have no inspiration, no motivation, no one to share things and ideas with, my own family (who I never speak to anymore) doesn't know I'm alive. Tired of doing everything by myself, having to rely only on myself. Today it kind of clicked that in the end it wasn't worth it to keep trying in this field, only to end up with nothing but minor improvements on years of work and nothing else. My work has been stagnant the last few years, it's driving me crazy. Always have that "oh I am sick of this rar!" moment and quit for a few days, get back on the horse. This time, I can't even force myself to look at anything related to creating art. Even this site, everyone is forced into a way of thinking and doing, you can't simply appreciate things anymore, it has to appeal, have to push yourself on others, constantly. It isn't enough to want to draw, or even be somewhat competent at it, you have to sell yourself and your integrity (ironically, I would've taken selling myself near this point, but even failed at that however.) I don't want to do any of that, and it's something I've avoided during my time here. I don't want to comment whore someone's page just to get others to look at my work, and I'm really just sick of the whole "boy's club" direction in general. I'm using DA as an example, but to the core of it all, it's the same anywhere really.

I haven't really gotten anywhere here or in the art world, took me 6 years here and 20 of my own, but I kind of get the picture now.

So, later.